As Boon and Otter cried in unison when asked what their frat bros should do after Delta House got expelled from campus in Animal House: 

“Road trip!” 

Around here, that often means a trip to faraway, exotic Silverdale, wherein resides Trader Joe’s and several big-box stores and restaurant chains. 

Ah, the retail splendor of it all. 

First, we see a  Red Lobster in town — still in business a year after 100 other Reds closed, the CEO retired and replaced, and Chapter 11 filed.

Next door, an Olive Garden, where you’re “just like family when you’re here.” Plus … unlimited breadsticks! 

Then, Mongolian Barbecue! A touch of Ulan Bator? (Broccoli walls not allowed around the bowls’ edges.)

Then, a shuttered J.C. Penney, where I used to buy most of my clothes. (It shows, huh?)

Finally, the pièce de resistance …Trader Joe’s! Always our favorite Silverdale destination. Former home of Two Buck Chuck, now Three Buck Chuck. 

Even when we lived down in the Sonoma County Russian River Terroir, where some of the world’s very finest pinot noir is grown, most of the wine we drank was, yep, Chuck. 

Why, for God’s sake? 

Because we’re cheap. And Chuck is, well, potable. 

Like many of you, I could spend lots of time in the almost-exotic  TJ’s aisles.

Where else can you find spanokopita, or decent samosas? Or cheese whose names are hard to pronounce? Or Joe’s O’s? (Forget Cheerios). Or reasonably priced orange chicken? Ginger snaps with (gasp) real ginger! As King Yul Brynner sang, “Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.” So many goodies you won’t find in mainstream stores like Safeway. 

Then we head down the road a bit for a relatively unkown Silverdale gem located in a place we’d usually avoid — a strip mall. Where, tucked away in the corner, is an Indian restaurant, Mehfil, that has a decent weekday tandoor buffet.

PT needs an Indian restaurant as much as it needs — OK, wants — A Trader Joe’s. (Don’t hold your breath for that last one.) 

And so we head homeward hoping the Hood Canal Bridge is open. 

— Speaking of food, an out-of-town couple stopped in at the Democratic HQ the other day to ask where the Don’s Pharmacy soda fountain was. (The sign for it is still on Don’s billboard. We gave them the closure news …while recalling those great chocolate malts at the closed  eatery. 

— When this weekend’s Port Townsend Earnest-Film Fest (my title, see below) ends, there’s only one such event until, as proprietary locals like to say, “we get the town back.” 

That finale is what I call The Aging Hippie Parade, or, Kinetic Sculpture Race.

San Francisco used to have a similar event … the Artist Soap Box Derby, which featured an actual downhill run with artsy soap boxes. One I remember was a giant piece of silverware called A Fork in The Road. 

— Here’s a classic program description of a PTFF offering this year: “An unemployed actress lives with her conservative mother in a Rio de Janiero slum ... mother-daughter arguments arise, but the imminence of death brings unexpected lightness to relationships.” Ugh. Pass me a razor blade, please. 

— Linda Ronstadt was in the news last week, blasting an odious Trump rally held in an auditorium named after her. Most news clips showed her singing her biggest hit, “You’re No Good.” But if you want to hear the full range of her singing voice, check out the film — or concert performances —   of “Pirates of Penzance.” She plays the heroine Mabel brilliantly. 

 I was lucky enough to “carry a spear” — sing in the chorus — of that brilliant Gilbert and Sullivan masterpiece onstage at the Luther Burbank Center for The Arts near San Francisco. I also got to do another G&S masterpiece, “The Mikado.”   

We had a fine woman singer as Mabel, but Ronstandt, with her impressive voice and perfectly modulated vibrato, could not have been better cast. 

By the way, if you’ve never seen “Topsy Turvy,” Mike Leigh’s superb movie about the British comic-opera songwriting duo, don’t miss it. 

— Finally, speaking of female singers, I liked humorist Andy Borowitz’ funny headline last week: “Trump Demands to See Taylor Swift’s Birth Certificate.” 

(PT humorist Bill Mann is Newsmann9@gmail.com)