Bill Mann

More of my Things to Do In Port Townsend, the COVID-19 edition: 

- Go down to North Beach and recall back when big cruise ships used to sail by. 

- While there, look longingly at Canada.

- Drive down Water Street and play “Spot The Tourist.”

- Drive on the road that goes through the golf course and offer tips to golfers to keep their heads down and left arms straight.

Speaking of Canada, I’ve mentioned that because of the closed border, I can’t visit our son who lives up in Vancouver. How serious are Canadians about keeping an eye on those few who do cross the border? My son says you’ll be quarantined for two weeks, during which you’ll hear from health officials daily. And the Mounties may even pay a visit to check up on you! (They always get their Mann). 

— Speaking of our civilized neighbors, the Meanwhile in Canada Facebook humour feed posted this protest sign, supposedly at a Black Lives Matter rally up there: 

“WHAT DO WE WANT? Respectful Discourse. WHEN DO WE WANT IT? Now Would Be Agreeable to Me, But I Would Be Interested in Your Opinion.” 

— They called SCROTUS’ shaky recent West Point appearance “Water/Gait,” and NBC’s Seth Meyers offered this commentary over video of Trump’s unsteady (ramp) decline: “Hey, slow down, Usain Bolt.” Bumper sticker that soon followed: “Biden — He Can Walk AND Drink Water.”

— The Confederate flag may finally be starting to disappear — sorry, but I still won’t watch NASCAR. It reminds me of a visit a few years ago to see my sister in Columbia, South Carolina. I remember seeing the Stars and Bars flying over the state capitol (ugh), but I also noticed big gold stars on the building’s walls. I asked my redneck brother-in-law about those gold stars, and he explained, “That’s where Sherman’s cannonballs hit. We don’t forget.” Damn yankees. 

And with the Jim Crow-era  statuary of Robert E. Lee and other confederates of his finally being toppled, this idea for preserving regional pride was suggested by one wag: “They’re going to put yeast in the fields. So every time it rains, the South will rise again.” 

- This could easily be an item in the always-enthralling Seen Around feature in another Peninsula paper: “A man in
Port Angeles spotted wearing matching white pants and shirt.” The pulse does race. 

- Sign in a San Francisco Starbucks: “Black Coffee Matters.” 

- Talented comedian Carlos Alazraqui, on Stephanie Miller’s funny morning radio show: “These idiots can carry 50-pound weapons to state capitols, but they can’t carry an eight-ounce mask?” One funny meme recently on Twitter showed someone offering a conical face mask to Trump, who responded, “What am I supposed to do with half a bra?” 

— As I’ve said here before, my way of handling the current debacle in Washington is humor. And, as we saw at the Correspondents’ Dinner a while back when Obama nailed him, few people have a thinner skin than Cadet Bonespurs. Sarcasm is a potent weapon against BLOTUS. One of my favorite Twitter feeds comes from a preternaturally clever guy who calls himself Middle Age Riot. Some recent sample of his tweets I’ve been collecting the past few weeks: 

- “Reporters are magicians who can make Republicans disappear by asking them about Trump.” 

- “You’d think Republicans would be more careful about protecting the Constitution. It’s the only thing preventing Barack Obama from becoming president again.” 

- “At this point, Donald Trump is more likely to have a mental condition named after him than a presidential library.” 

- “If teenager Baron Trump wanted to rebel against his parents, all he would have to do is be a decent human being.” 

- “Trump supporters are white people for whom being born white in America isn’t enough of an advantage.”

- “Those who do not learn from history can always get a job at Fox News.” 

- “Mike Pence accomplishes so little as Vice President that motion detectors in the White House don’t turn on the lights when he enters a room.” 

(PT resident humorist Bill Mann awaits your responses and/or laugh-worthy material. Newsmann9@gmail.com),