Like police calls? We created our own | Mann Overboard

Bill Mann
Posted 11/19/20

The return of our personalized Police/Sheriff’s Logs: 

* The Jefferson County Health Department reported receiving a call asking if there was a vaccine for halitosis yet. 

* A …

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Like police calls? We created our own | Mann Overboard

Posted

The return of our personalized Police/Sheriff’s Logs: 

* The Jefferson County Health Department reported receiving a call asking if there was a vaccine for halitosis yet. 

* A highly agitated woman told PT police that she was suffering from starvation after discovering that the Sequim Costco no longer gave out free food samples. She was escorted to the nervous ward.

* Police received a call about a buck deer spotted on Lawrence Street wearing a codpiece. 

* A Port Hadlock woman told deputies about a possible crank call informing her she’d won the Irish Spring sweepstakes. 

* A newcomer to town demanded a deputy tell her why something called Protection Island wasn’t wearing a condom. She was also taken to the nervous ward. 

* Sheriff’s deputies questioned a man driving with an emu in his car. He claimed he was a Liberty Mutual salesperson. 

* Police were called to the Safeway parking lot and detained  a man who was spray painting “=16” (equals 16) after 4x4 on pickup trucks. 

— And now, some samples from the funniest (real) Police Logs going, cleverly written by publisher Kevin Hoover of the Arcata Eye in Northern California. These have been collected in several books: 

* “A woman who allowed snails to crawl on her and called them ‘her friends’ was said to be displaying ‘unusual behavior.’”

* “One of the ill-tempered messiahs who roam Arcata’s streets dispensing wisdom and verbal abuse, this one, clad in white robes, screamed at a hapless heathen on
H Street. The holy hooligan was located near a laundromat and arrested on a public drunkenness charge.” 

* (Jabberwocky Dept.) “A slithy tove in a red sweatshirt was spotted trying vehicle door handles on Spruce Way.”

* “A man stood outside a local business with his pants down, opening and closing his car door. He told police he was waiting for a ride.” 

* “There weren’t enough spongy, deep-fried delights in a downtown donut shop to soak up the ocean of booze onboard one patron, so he was arrested.” 

* Finally: “A citizen reported two people having ‘inappropriate relations’ with each other on the pedestrian freeway overpass. Police reported they were enjoying a passionate rapprochement, aka make-up sex. They agreed to move along.” 

— The PT McDonald’s still is not allowing people inside (to, I would assume, have an Elegant Dining experience). Drive-thru orders only. I’ll share with you the secret to McDonald’s success: Nothing on its menu requires the use of teeth. 

— Speaking of which, I went through the drive-thru window at the Sequim Burger King recently to try their meatless Impossible Burger. Meh. My first job in high school was spray-painting grill marks on Whoppers.

— Comic/former Senator Al Franken on our ethically challenged Attorney General: “The Barr keeps getting lower and lower.” That it does. 

— My favorite Twitterer, Middle Aged Riot: “If you refuse to wear a mask because COVID is a hoax, you should have no problem waiting until last to get the vaccine.” 

He also tweets: “Donald Trump is the kind of sore loser that sore losers look at and say, ‘Jesus, get over it.’”

— I mentioned to a screenwriter friend in Hollywood recently that I live in the town where “An Officer and a Gentleman” was filmed. “Know what we call the movie down here?” he asked.“An Officer and a Gentile.” Oy. 

— That giant poster of Ringo Starr, oddly, still adorns the front window of Pacific Eyecare here, as it has for at least three years. Isn’t one of Paul McCartney available? (Stevie Wonder would not be appropriate.) 

— Thanks to the many readers who sent support for my previous column urging the city to re-open our Mountain View pool. This will finally happen soon (hooray!) announces parks and rec director Alex Wisniewski. Please, swimmers, thank our city government officials for this. A reopened pool and the end of the Trump regime will make for an upbeat winter. Who says there’s no good news? 

(PT humorist Bill Mann, who’s been a columnist at four major dailies, can be reached at Newsmann9@gmail.com.) 

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